Okay, Pity Party is Over...

This was one long stretch of feeling sorry for myself. I HATE when I do that.

If I look at all the reasons I want a baby, there are just as many (if not more) reasons why I don't need to have a baby. My age, my health, our financial situation...not to mention having a child with a man who doesn't want another child. That's not fair.

With the possibility of Greg changing jobs, I would be on my own a great deal of the time. It's hard enough to raise a child with two parents, but with just one?!? There's no way I'd do that to a little one.

I will focus on the positives in life, of which there are many: I have a man who loves me, the most precious stepson ever (who turns 10 TOMORROW!!!), amazing in-laws, a mama who is my best friend, a job that I love so much. Yes, we are broke...VERY broke. But I've never been well-off financially--it's not been much of an adjustment. I am happy, despite having no money.

If a child comes into my life somehow, then I will embrace the blessing. If not, I will be grateful for all the blessings I have.

Baby Blues...When Do They Go Away?

How do you live with the knowledge that one of the things you want most in the world will never be yours? How do you learn not to want that thing?

I pray for peace, for resolution, for realization that I will never be a mom, but the yearning for a baby never goes away. Everyone tells me that I touch kids' lives, that I make a difference, but the problem is I have them for a little bit and then I lose them.

I try to get my Greg to understand why it bothers me so much, but he can't see it. He HAS a child, he IS a father. He vows that it will never happen to him again. He's taken steps to make sure it never happens again.

I love my stepson, please know that. That's what's so painful. I know he will never love me the way I want him to...he can't. I'm not mommy. I'm Charlotte. I'll never be anyone's mommy.

I think about my mom and my in-laws, and how I can't give them the joy of a grandbaby. Hell, Greg's ex-wife has given my in-laws two grandkids, and one of them isn't even Greg's. Don't think that doesn't rip my heart out. I'm glad they love the new baby, really glad--she's a beautiful and sweet little girl. but it hurts so much to know that I have nothing to offer them. I have no money, no babies, no talents...just me. I know they regret me marrying Greg, but I love him so much.

Something I Noticed...

A while back, a long while back, I came to grips with the reality that a man I loved would never love me. I realized that no matter what I did I would never be who/what he wanted. It was one of the most devastating truths I've ever had to face.

It was so painful. I would cry every time I thought of him, which was almost constantly. I would drive past his house any chance I got, just to get a glimpse of him. I would try to get in touch with him every chance I could because I couldn't let go. I prayed to God that if this man couldn't love me, then I needed God to take that man out of my heart forever, to take the love and longing away so I wouldn't be in such pain.

I struggled along as best I could, and went on with life. A couple of months later, Greg entered the picture. The rest, as they say, is history.

The last time I saw that other man, I almost laughed out loud to think of the desperate love I used to have for him. I honestly could not relate to those feelings at all--it was as if someone else had whispered them to me in confidence--as if they had not been my own at all.

It was at that moment that I realized God had truly answered my prayers in the form of my husband Greg. Every day I love him more and more. I know I can count on him to stand by me through anything. I know he thinks I'm beautiful, and I know I am the only woman for him. I don't have to settle for being second choice; I'm his first choice.

I'm free from the past--and the feeling is amazing.