Okay, Pity Party is Over...

This was one long stretch of feeling sorry for myself. I HATE when I do that.

If I look at all the reasons I want a baby, there are just as many (if not more) reasons why I don't need to have a baby. My age, my health, our financial situation...not to mention having a child with a man who doesn't want another child. That's not fair.

With the possibility of Greg changing jobs, I would be on my own a great deal of the time. It's hard enough to raise a child with two parents, but with just one?!? There's no way I'd do that to a little one.

I will focus on the positives in life, of which there are many: I have a man who loves me, the most precious stepson ever (who turns 10 TOMORROW!!!), amazing in-laws, a mama who is my best friend, a job that I love so much. Yes, we are broke...VERY broke. But I've never been well-off financially--it's not been much of an adjustment. I am happy, despite having no money.

If a child comes into my life somehow, then I will embrace the blessing. If not, I will be grateful for all the blessings I have.

Something I Noticed...

A while back, a long while back, I came to grips with the reality that a man I loved would never love me. I realized that no matter what I did I would never be who/what he wanted. It was one of the most devastating truths I've ever had to face.

It was so painful. I would cry every time I thought of him, which was almost constantly. I would drive past his house any chance I got, just to get a glimpse of him. I would try to get in touch with him every chance I could because I couldn't let go. I prayed to God that if this man couldn't love me, then I needed God to take that man out of my heart forever, to take the love and longing away so I wouldn't be in such pain.

I struggled along as best I could, and went on with life. A couple of months later, Greg entered the picture. The rest, as they say, is history.

The last time I saw that other man, I almost laughed out loud to think of the desperate love I used to have for him. I honestly could not relate to those feelings at all--it was as if someone else had whispered them to me in confidence--as if they had not been my own at all.

It was at that moment that I realized God had truly answered my prayers in the form of my husband Greg. Every day I love him more and more. I know I can count on him to stand by me through anything. I know he thinks I'm beautiful, and I know I am the only woman for him. I don't have to settle for being second choice; I'm his first choice.

I'm free from the past--and the feeling is amazing.