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I'm married to the most wonderful man in the world, and I have a beautiful stepson that I love with all my heart.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Baby Blues...When Do They Go Away?

How do you live with the knowledge that one of the things you want most in the world will never be yours? How do you learn not to want that thing?

I pray for peace, for resolution, for realization that I will never be a mom, but the yearning for a baby never goes away. Everyone tells me that I touch kids' lives, that I make a difference, but the problem is I have them for a little bit and then I lose them.

I try to get my Greg to understand why it bothers me so much, but he can't see it. He HAS a child, he IS a father. He vows that it will never happen to him again. He's taken steps to make sure it never happens again.

I love my stepson, please know that. That's what's so painful. I know he will never love me the way I want him to...he can't. I'm not mommy. I'm Charlotte. I'll never be anyone's mommy.

I think about my mom and my in-laws, and how I can't give them the joy of a grandbaby. Hell, Greg's ex-wife has given my in-laws two grandkids, and one of them isn't even Greg's. Don't think that doesn't rip my heart out. I'm glad they love the new baby, really glad--she's a beautiful and sweet little girl. but it hurts so much to know that I have nothing to offer them. I have no money, no babies, no talents...just me. I know they regret me marrying Greg, but I love him so much.
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1 comment:

That Onie Guy...Eric said...

"I have no money, no babies, no talents...just me."

What you have, my dear friend, is a wonderful heart that's filled with caring and love. To me, that's worth more than all the money in the world.

And yeah, I know you'd make a great mommy. It's a small consolation, but consider yourself a wonderful surrogate "mom" to all your students and Greg's son.

*hugs*